(“MOSQUE LADY INTERVIEWS EZELDA”, BY DAWN NARET’…….bismillah, we harbor no discrimination)
TODAY, I HOPE TO ASSESS WHETHER MS EZELDA IS “HALLAL” OR NOT….WE “MUUZZIES” MUST ABIDE BY THE RULES THAT ANYTHING NOT “ACCEPTABLE OR CLEAN – ACCORDING TO QURAN”, MUST BE AVOIDED FOR THE SAFETY OF OUR HOLY MUSLIM SOULS.
\Well….Well…..Well…. Miss or Ms or …are you a female or a non-descript ? I don’t mean to be insulting, but I hear that your people can change their identity and faces and just about anything they choose if they have a mind to. Is it Ms. Ezelda?
EZ’S: Actually, we don’t mind being called by any of your usual gender variations….we are, after all……..ALL GENDERS AND ALL SPECIES.
MUUZ. LADY: Is that why you all speak the answer at the same time? do you have to all speak at once?
EZ’S: Yes! ! (answer en masse)
MUUZ.LADY: I see. Well, OK…….YAWL ! ……..Now, as I said, I have ta show that yawl are “Hallal”, to satisfy my Muuzzie folks who are concerned that they might be associating with ghosts, spirits or dead politicians, if they pay any mind to yawl.So, ARE you associated with these areas, cause I’d like ta ease their minds about these “sticky – wickies” ?
EZ’S: Well, is that a slur? Why would you call us “sticky”? We are fully alive, so we are not ghosts. We have the same earth spirit as everyone else, and we are very clean beings, not at all “sticky” !
But, although we DID impersonate Condoleezza Rice, at the Summit meetings in the Middle East…. like her, “WE DO NOT DO POLITICS” !
MUUZ.LADY: Oh MY ! Oh MY ! So THAT was the reason she had 10 different noses and 7 different sets of teeth ! It was yawl ! I can see the resemblence now…..but how cum she neva had a pointed head in them pictures?
EZ’S: Well, our cosimc cone processing region is changable, according to the volumn of flatulance and hot hissy-fit air, as well as environmental emmissions of thermal-gaseous fuel-cell emmission globules, we are metabolizing in our earth clod physiques at any given time.
We simply take 2 GAS-X, 3-EX-LAX and a glass or 2 of EYE OF NEWT. That allows us to deflate our Cranial Conic Composition. (spoken – en masse)
MUUZ. LADY: MY GOD! MY GOD! I’ll bet you couldn’t repeat THAT in a hound hair minute !My God ! And you must have poor NEWT going blind, jis so’s yawl can avoid a “Bad Head Day” ! Poor Mr. Gingrich !
EZ’S: No, NO ! We don’t get anything from Mr. Gingrich ! We take a dose of “eye of newt”, it’s a stew made from a small lizard! A delicacy, like frog legs you folks eat. Though, how you can eat frog legs untreated or processed and not be jumpin up and down and flipping out and flipping toes and fingers……we’ll never understand !
We only did this process, because we were advised to wear “hijab”, a head babushka, while in the Middle East.
We knew that Ms Condi never complied with the “Hijab” advise, so we only had to wear those greesy little black wigs, which didn’t look as much like her, as we would have liked, cause she has that fine, silky, baby hair.
But, that is the only association we have with politics, And Ms Condi is not dead either.
MUUZ. LADY: Oh ! What a relief ! “EYE OF NEWT”, never saw it on any of our menues….not sur if I’d try it.
As fer as, the flippin finger reponse to eatin frog-legs…………,
I think mebbe G. Dubya has had too many ‘o those !
(TO BE CONT’D – EXPANDED AS I HAVE TIME – DAWN NARET’)
AW MAN ! MS EZELDA SAID I CAN’T BE ONE OF HER ELFS, CAUSE I HAVE A “CANE” HEAD NOT A CONE ! !
INSHAALLAH, (GOD WILLING) WE WILL ALL RISE TOGETHER TO PARADISE ! !
***************************************************
“THE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN CHRISTMAS AND CHANUKAH
If anyone asks you what the difference is between Christmas and Chanukah, you will know what and how to answer!
1. Christmas is one day, same day every year, December 25. Jews also love December 25th. It’s another paid day off work. We go to movies and out for Chinese food and Israeli dancing. Chanukah is 8 days. It starts the evening of the 24th of Kislev, whenever that falls. No one is ever sure.
Jews never know until a non-Jewish friend asks when Chanukah starts, forcing us to consult a calendar so we don’t look like idiots. We all have the same calendar, provided free with a donation from the World Jewish Congress, the kosher butcher, or the local Sinai Memorial Chapel(especially in Florida ) or other Jewish funeral home.
2. Christmas is a major holiday. Chanukah is a minor holiday with the same theme as most Jewish holidays. They tried to kill us, we survived, let’s eat..
3. Christians get wonderful presents such as jewelry, perfume, stereos….
Jews get practical presents such as underwear, socks, or the collected works of the Rambam, which looks impressive on the bookshelf.
Jews get practical presents such as underwear, socks, or the collected works of the Rambam, which looks impressive on the bookshelf.
4. There is only one way to spell Christmas. No one can decide how to spell Chanukah, Chanukkah, Chanukka, Channukah, Hanukah, Hannukah, etc.
5. Christmas is a time of great pressure for husbands and boyfriends. Their partners expect special gifts. Jewish men are relieved of that burden. No one expects a diamond ring on Chanukah.
6. Christmas brings enormous electric bills. Candles are used for Chanukah. Not only are we spared enormous electric bills, but we get to feel good about not contributing to the energy crisis.
7. Christmas carols are beautiful…Silent Night, Come All Ye Faithful…. Chanukah songs are about dreidels made from clay or having a party and dancing the hora. Of course, we are secretly pleased that many of the beautiful carols were composed and written by our tribal brethren. And don’t Barbara Streisand and Neil Diamond sing them beautifully?
8. A home preparing for Christmas smells wonderful. The sweet smell of cookies and cakes baking. Happy people are gathered around in festive moods. A home preparing for Chanukah smells of oil, potatoes, and onions. The home, as always, is full of loud people all talking at once.
9. Women have fun baking Christmas cookies. Women burn their eyes and cut their hands grating potatoes and onions for latkas on Chanukah. Another reminder of our suffering through the ages.
10. Parents deliver to their children during Christmas. Jewish parents have no qualms about
withholding a gift on any of the eight nights.
withholding a gift on any of the eight nights.
11. The players in the Christmas story have easy to pronounce names such as Mary, Joseph, and Jesus. The players in the Chanukah story are Antiochus, Judah Maccabee, and Matta whatever. No one can spell it or pronounce it. On the plus side, we can tell our friends anything and they believe we are wonderfully versed in our history.
12. Many Christians believe in the virgin birth. Jews think, “Joseph, you sap, snap out of it. Your woman is pregnant, you didn’t sleep with her, and now you want to blame G-d. Here’s the number of my shrink”.
13. In recent years, Christmas has become more and more commercialized. The same holds true for Chanukah, even though it is a minor holiday. It makes sense. How could we market a major holiday such as Yom Kippur? Forget about celebrating. Think observing. Come to synagogue, starve yourself for 27 hours, become one with your dehydrated soul, beat your chest, confess your sins, a guaranteed good time for you and your family. Tickets a mere $200 per person.
Better stick with Chanukah !
“CHRISTIAN SCHOOL TEST”
(I FOUND THIS ON THE WEB, BUT NEGLECTED TO FIND AND SAVE THE SOURSE…I WILL LOOK FOT IT AND CREDIT THEM. – DAWN NARET’)
PAY SPECIAL ATTENTION TO THE WORDING AND SPELLING. IF YOU KNOW THE BIBLE EVEN A LITTLE, YOU’LL FIND THIS HILARIOUS!
IT COMES FROM A “CATHOLIC ELEMENTARY SCHOOL TEST”.
KIDS WERE ASKED QUESTIONS ABOUT THE OLD AND NEW TESTAMENTS. THE FOLLOWING STATEMENTS ABOUT THE BIBLE WERE WRITTEN BY CHILDREN. THEY HAVE NOT BEEN RETOUCHED NOR CORRECTED. INCORRECT SPELLING HAS BEEN LEFT IN.
1. IN THE FIRST BOOK OF THE BIBLE, GUINESSIS. GOD GOT TIRED OF CREATING THE WORLD SO HE TOOK THE SABBATH OFF.
2. ADAM AND EVE WERE CREATED FROM AN APPLE TREE. NOAH’S WIFE WAS JOAN OF ARK. NOAH BUILT AND ARK AND THE ANIMALS CAME ON IN PEARS.
3. LOTS WIFE WAS A PILLAR OF SALT DURING THE DAY, BUT A BALL OF FIRE DURING THE NIGHT.
4. THE JEWS WERE A PROUD PEOPLE AND THROUGHOUT HISTORY THEY HAD TROUBLE WITH UNSYMPATHETIC GENITALS.
5. SAMPSON WAS A STRONGMAN WHO LET HIMSELF BE LED ASTRAY BY A JEZEBEL LIKE DELILAH.
6. ! SAMSON SLAYED THE PHILISTINES WITH THE AXE OF THE APOSTLES.
7. MOSES LED THE JEWS TO THE RED SEA WHERE THEY MADE UNLEAVENED BREAD WHICH IS BREAD WITHOUT ANY INGREDIENTS.
8. THE EGYPTIANS WERE ALL DROWNED IN THE DESSERT. AFTERWARDS, MOSES WENT UP TO MOUNT CYANIDE TO GET THE TEN COMMANDMENTS.
9. THE FIRST COMMANDMENTS WAS WHEN EVE TOLD ADAM TO EAT THE APPLE.
10. THE SEVENTH COMMANDMENT IS THOU SHALT NOT ADMIT ADULTERY.
11. MOSES DIED BEFORE HE EVER REACHED CANADA THEN JOSHUA LED THE HEBREWS IN THE BATTLE OF GERITOL.
12. THE GREATEST MIRACLE IN THE BIBLE IS WHEN JOSHUA TOLD HIS SON TO STAND STILL AND HE OBEYED HIM.
13. DAVID WAS A HEBREW KING WHO WAS SKILLED AT PLAYING THE LIAR. HE FOUGHT THE FINKELSTEINS, A RACE OF PEOPLE WHO LIVED IN BIBLICAL TIMES.
14. SOLOMON, ONE OF DAVID’S SONS, HAD 300 WIVES AND 700 PORCUPINES.
15. WHEN MARY HEARD SHE WAS THE MOTHER OF JESUS, SHE SANG THE MAGNA CARTA.
16. WHEN THE THREE WISE GUYS FROM THE EAST SIDE ARRIVED THEY FOUND JESUS IN THE MANAGER.
17. JESUS WAS BORN BECAUSE MARY HAD AN IMMACULATE CONTRAPTION.
18. ST. JOHN THE BLACKSMITH DUMPED WATER ON HIS HEAD.
19. JESUS ENUNCIATED THE GOLDEN RULE, WHICH SAYS TO DO UNTO OTHERS BEFORE THEY DO ONE
TO YOU. HE ALSO EXPLAINED A MAN DOTH NOT LIVE BY SWEAT ALONE.
20. IT WAS A MIRACLE WHEN JESUS ROSE FROM THE DEAD AND MANAGED TO GET THE TOMBSTONE
OFF THE ENTRANCE.
21. THE PEOPLE WHO FOLLOWED THE LORD WERE CALLED THE 12 DECIBELS.
22. THE EPISTELS WERE THE WIVES OF THE APOSTLES.
23. ONE OF THE OPPOSSUMS WAS ST. MATTHEW WHO WAS ALSO A TAXIMAN.
24. ST. PAUL CAVORTED TO CHRISTIANITY, HE PREACHED HOLY ACRIMONY WHICH IS ANOTHER NAME FOR MARRAIGE.
25. CHRISTIANS HAVE ONLY ONE SPOUSE. THIS IS CALLED MONOTONY.
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~ by dnreligion on August 17, 2008.
Posted in Uncategorized
“CHRISTIAN SCHOOL TEST” 
